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Because You’re Happy. And You Know It.

We’ve all found ourselves in a crowd with Navin R. Johnson at one time or another. From a safe distance you watch, the music pulsing through them in a fit of epileptic proportion while they flail dangerously close to your personal space. This DIY percussion accompaniment can easily make or break a crowd but rhythm is not a right;  perhaps instead a privilege some unfortunately do not possess.

Thankfully some songs make it way too easy to keep the beat. Steering clear from the obvious wedding reception train wrecks, these are the top 12 songs that make it cool to clap it out:

‘Bron Y Aur Stomp,’ Led Zeppelin (1970)
Bron Y Aur or “breast of gold” was named after a house in the rolling hills of Wales where the band retreated to record Led Zeppelin III. The spelling of this track was originally a misprint, but this stomp-clap combo attack, filmed at a 1975 Earls Court show, was completely intentional with Bonham on harmony, Jones on an upright bass and Plant looking dead sexy.

‘Catch My Disease,’ Ben Lee (2005)
Pun intended? I hope not, buddy. This aptly-titled gem from the boyish Ben Lee mentions pop music radio monsters, Good Charlotte and Beyonce, while he insists “that’s the way I (he) likes it”. If you’re happy, Ben, we’re happy. I’m still not interested in catching whatever you’re throwing unless you’re referring to the contagious round of applause that just came my way.

‘That’s Not My Name,’ The Ting Tings (2008)
I may or may not be partial to this song because my name is quickly mentioned in her roll call which usually only happens in rap records. The UK duo scored a Best New Artist nod from the GRAMMY Foundation this year and was surely on your iPod last summer whether or not you care to admit it.

‘Make You Mine,” The Drums (2009)
Go ahead and hitch a ride on this buzz train especially if you can get away with not paying for the ticket. In this live performance, lead singer Jonathan Pierce looks so alarmingly Warhol as he bebops along to an deliriously infectious string of do-do-dos. This song is good, clean, hand-clapping pop magic.

‘Heart It Races,’ Dr Dog (2007)
The first of two claptastic covers on this list is from a quintet of Philadelphian fellas. This super duper sweet diddy, originally done by Architecture in Helsinki, was perfected by Dr Dog. The only thing better than a good steady clap carrying a tune is an old fashioned boom da da da da da da boom dat dat dat da da and this luckily has both.

‘My Love,’ The Bird and The Bee (2009)
In this hallucinogenic Fanta-esque video, five girls in plastic smocks dreamily dance around Inura George while she croons for her boy to take her out. Frankly, I don’t blame the guy based on her wardrobe choices alone. Is that a Twister board jumper?

‘Sea Lion Woman,’ Feist (2007)
Feist’s interpretation of the Nina Simone’s “See-Line Woman” wails.This live performance doesn’t break down until 2:59 mark, unlike its album counterpart off her breakthrough Let It Die. Toronto’s reigning indie princess does the High Priestess of Soul major justice. Simone coincidentally has a hand clap gem of her own, ‘Sinnerman’.

‘15 to 20,’ The Phenomenal Hand Clap Band (2009)
I bet you all $73 in my ING Savings you can’t curb the clap. It’s the Phenomenal Hand Clap Band for cryin’ outloud. Bursting with ’60s soul, ’70s funk and fruit flavor, the video was shot entirely in NYC as eight mini spy operative movies with four band members. So, what’s it gonna take to get through to you?

‘Quiet Dog (Bite Hard),’ Mos Def (2009)
You keep up the rock and you don’t stop the rock, maintain the rock and you don’t stop the rock. And by ‘rock’, he clearly means ‘clap’. This three-piece live performance of  ‘Zulu arrangement rockin’ amazement’ is a rousing reminder the greatest hip hop has kept its head above water in a sea of auto tune.

‘The Clap Song,’ Yeah Yeah Yeahs (2009)
Karen O is the Queen of Cool therefore clapping is cool. Simple logic, no? “The Clap Song” was released as an iTunes bonus track off It’s Blitz! when surely it would have added a little more spark to an otherwise dull follow up.

‘Private Eyes,’ Hall & Oates (1981)
If I had to be stalked by a 1970s pop duo, this would definitely be the one. The over-the-head lightning clap throwback is outstanding showmanship. Daryl & John are also among the 2010 GRAMMY nominees and hopefully will be accepting an award clad in trench coats.

‘Where It’s At,’ Beck (2006)
Based solely on clap usage alone, Beck could wipe the floor with every John Mellencamp song ever karaoked.  Unlike The Coug, Sir Beck subtly sneaks in his rounds of articulated applause. When all you’ve got are two turntables and a microphone, what else is there to do other than clap your hands, just clap your hands?


So, come on. Put your hands together. I won’t judge.

Must be Burt Reynolds or something…

I’ve been known to leap at any given opportunity to sport fake facial hair in public. I prefer mustaches, but I’m not picky; as long as the adhesive can stick for as long as I’m standing, we’re in business.

My birthday is in exactly 53 days and I’m pretty hard to shop for so if you’re stuck, here’s the one way ticket to my upper lip’s heart.

Bone Bone Bone Bone.. Bone.. Bone.. Bone.. Bone.. Bone

If fate is in fact determined by some higher being, my purgatory would go down a little something like this:

Midtown Manhattan, probably in JC Penney’s with half a roll of Charmin on my shoe and Nickelback blaring on the loudspeakers. In walks my 4th grade math teacher, Mr. Vogue, wearing his muscle man charm necklace over his burgeoning pecs tucked in a pastel sweater vest. Surprise! Rapid fire fraction drills!

This waiting room certainly won’t provide enough decisive ammo for the big dogs, let alone “achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven,” but it surely is the perfect place to test my patience.

Layzie and Krayzie, I sure do I hope I see you there at the crossroads, crossroads, crossroads. So I won’t be stuck with Kroeger.

Because, yes, if you jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, I would too.

So this is blogging, eh?